Yahomied Says

Thinking back on my life and wondering where I was ever trying to go with it.

At one point during my high school career I seriously considered majoring in Philosophy. 

Becoming a Philosopher. 

Looking back at my career in Retail, I don’t know any Philosopher that would be recognized for working at a TJMaxx. 

Although, I suppose that’s where many of life’s mysteries unfold.

I was thinking of making a Xanga again when I realized i already had this.”

I’ve been thinking about how much I want to move from here. I’ve been across a ton of scenes, nothing is really sticking to me. 

I’m over the hard drugs and alcohol phase, I just want to get back to work, but it feels difficult knowing that I have other priorities to maintain.

I’m where I need to be, not where I want to be, and I keep reminding myself of that.

Life isn’t bad, it’s good, it’s just that I’m having less fun realizing I want to have fun. I need to do work. 

When I blogged like this I realized I was mostly complaining, and I decided to stop doing that and just shut up and take my own advice.

But I need to vent too. 

I got diamonds in there rough patches. 

And the voices are all out of breath. 

When I used to care about people. Girls.

Be in PDA relationships.

Fantasize about the intangible then go out and find someway to do it.

I only do one of the three now.

I wonder where the me went, that was wild, chaotic, and did the things my more reserved friends refrained from telling stories of. 

I wonder what happened to me, a loose cannon with no means of self-control ended up. 

If I’m still out there, as wild as can be, tearing the night away and painting the town red. 

I’m still trying to get over my mom telling me I have no friends.

I’m still trying to get over my creative slump.

I’m still trying to be as prepared as possible fore the coming school year, and also, beat my video games.

I figured the classical style of making art isn’t for me anymore, and that I’m a mostly digital artist. Always have been really. 

Fine art is ok, but is slowly losing it’s footing in the world, in my opinion. 

I have a lot of anxiety and intensity.

To be honest I just want to smoke some weed and feel good. 

But that might not help me, it may make matters worse.

It has in the past, anyway.

Fact of the matter is, I’m thirsty as all hell. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about women, girls, what I want, who I want. 

Haven’t really come to a decision yet.

I figure, there are tons of beautiful women, why be stuck on one?

But, the beautiful one that always comes back to you, no reason to throw her away either.

I mean if she really appreciates you comes back to you, not like, just another girl that wanted to call you up to talk and maybe take her to the club because secretly she’s in love with you but can’t justify her feelings unless you’re gay. 

Fuck is that?

No reason to point guns with blanks and shoot at niggas windows though.

In all honesty, I’d prefer a fist fight.

I wonder what happened. 

The explosions today rattled us all.

I smiled and laughed, it’s how I deal with tragedy before I rationalize the horror of the situation. That’s when I begin to think about the awful that it really is. 

Regardless, reality has come and hit us all hard here, in this city. More shock across the nation, if not the world, knowing that the Marathon is an international event.

It reminds me of the shootings in Norway, but for other reasons. 

I keep hearing “That’s your husband”

“You aren’t the one for her”

So what?

I mean, I’m falling in love with a new woman everyday, 

PLEASE DON’T STOP ME. 

It’s only right to rip apart hearts after you have your own denied. 

If you can always exist as yourself then do so. But the obvious is still there, it’s not that you shouldn’t care, you should care, lest you contiguously make a fool of yourself, caught in a loop you can only undo once the wheel turning breaks, or falls off it’s hinges. 

I have come down, and they continue to tell me to get up. 

Get up with whom? I wonder.

I’m trying to do something here, do you not realize the sign says “Do Not Disturb?”

Or do you want me to want you?

It’s not that I don’t.

I’m just not thinking about anything other than what’s in front of me. 

I can’t seem to subscribe to one lifestyle without first exploring all of my interests. 

I can respect me for that.

I’ve been all over the scenes, really, and I’ve found people I like, love, in each one. 

At the end of the day it comes back to me and where I want to go. 

I won’t be able to do everything at once, and I know that.

It’s quite simple, save your emotions for the things you love to do. That is all.